Co-parenting is not always easy, but good communication with your co-parent reduces conflict, eases stress and generally keeps your children happier. When you are new to co-parenting, you may have trouble adjusting to life with your former spouse or partner now being your co-parent.
Communication must typically change when you become co-parents. If one of you is struggling with the end of the marriage or relationship, it is best to keep those issues out of your conversation and keep communication focused on the children.
However, your mental health matters. Seeking counseling or therapy to help you work through the end of the marriage or relationship can help your communication with your co-parent be healthier.
Even if you are not new to co-parenting, many factors can cause a breakdown in communication. Examples include remarriage, a child’s struggles in school or disagreements over child-related expenses.
Whether you are new to co-parenting or facing some challenges, here are some tips that can help.
Communicate in writing
Try to keep most, if not all, communication in writing, especially when it comes to major issues, such as a change in the custody schedule. A written record prevents future disagreements that are based on nothing more than “he said/she said” statements.
Additionally, our memories are not always accurate. We may believe we agreed to something which we did not, or vice versa. A written record that refreshes everyone’s memory goes a long way toward resolving a conflict.
Keep communications brief and to the point. Have an understanding with your co-parent about how many messages are appropriate in a day or how long each message should be.
Communicating in writing should be a general rule. Be flexible and use common sense in situations where a quick phone call is more appropriate, such as in an emergency.
Being flexible and respectful
Flexibility is an important quality to have in all circumstances. Remember to keep the focus in your communications on the best interest of your children.
For example, your custody schedule might dictate that you receive custody on Thanksgiving this year. However, you learn that one of your co-parent’s family members is critically ill and not expected to survive much longer.
Your children have a special bond with this family member and Thanksgiving is the only time they have a chance to spend time with them. It is likely in your children’s best interest for you to be flexible and give up Thanksgiving as “your” holiday this year so your children can spend time with the ill family member.
In this case, avoid name-calling or blaming your co-parent for making you miss Thanksgiving with the children. Be polite and respectful and use your communication to come up with win-win solutions, such as picking an alternative day for you to celebrate with the children.
Do not put your children in the middle
Keep your children out of disagreements or conflicts that arise between you and your co-parent. Disagreements will come up, but handling the disagreements should always be done outside of the children’s presence.
Your children should also not be used as messengers to communicate between you and your co-parent. Even in the absence of disagreement, using your children to send messages rather than simply talking with your co-parent puts your children in the middle and can make them feel like they are carrying too much responsibility.
